Everybody faces challenges, and part of our call as Christians is to walk with each other in dark times. It’s not always easy to know what to do. Some of us are naturally gifted at caring for others, and some of us need a toolbox to give us confidence. 

Casseroles can be a great start (extra cheese on mine, please!), but here’s some other helpful tips for caring for the beloveds in your life. 

 

Presence is key.

The most important thing you can offer someone is your presence, to help them know they are not alone in whatever they are facing. You may feel awkward. You may not know what to say. That’s OK. Showing up, either in person or through a phone call, if appropriate, is half the battle. Remember that the distinction of our Christian faith is a God who showed up, in the person of Jesus, to be with us!

Seek specific ways to help.

Most of us tend to say something like “let me know if there’s anything I can do” in difficult times. This puts the pressure of figuring out a task on the other person. Ask instead if you can bring dinner, take them out for coffee, come clean their kitchen, watch their kids/pets/older parents for an hour, call them the next day, or anything else that may be helpful. It’s much easier for people in times of stress to say “yes” or “no.” Respect the nos, and follow through on the yeses!

Get consent before you share.

Assume all information you receive in times of crisis is confidential, and ask if you may share that information with others. It can be as simple as “can I share what you’re going through with our prayer group/the pastor/our mutual friend?” Give the person control of their own story.*

*The only exception to this is if someone shares that they are planning to hurt themselves or others. If you hear a threat, let them know that you will need to report that to medical/legal authorities, as appropriate.

Stay in your lane.

You are present with the person in crisis as a brother or sister in Christ. That means you are not their doctor, psychiatrist, parent, or Savior. Ask yourself, “what is mine to do? what is not mine to do?” Advocate for them to get assistance from professionals who are trained and qualified in what the person needs, but don’t try to provide what you can’t!

Comfort in, dump out.

A basic rule of care is that there are rings of people affected by a crisis—the person most involved, surrounded by their immediate family, surrounded by close friends, surrounded by colleagues, surrounded by onlookers. Those in inner rings may “dump” (cry, complain, ask for favors) to anyone in an outer ring. Those in the outer rings may not dump in. Basically, don’t add stress or grief to someone already in stress or grief. That said, make sure you have someone in an outer ring of your own to dump to—caregiving can be stressful and we all need a shoulder. Pro tip: pastors and therapists are always in the outside ring, unless the crisis is directly affecting them.

Listen, but listen actively.

Listening is a skill that takes effort, energy, and practice. Essentially, active listening is the process by which you pay more attention to what the other person is saying than what you plan to say next. It can be helpful to paraphrase what the other person has said to make sure you have understood them fully. As David Augsburger said, “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable.” In the same vein, don’t be afraid of silence. Silence allows people to think and to choose the next topic of conversation.

Be prepared to deal with difficult subjects without panicking.

Care situations can involve difficult topics, spiritually, legally, financially, emotionally, and physically. You may hear things that upset or disturb you. If you cannot, for your own emotional safety, handle a situation or topic, make a gracious exit and contact another caregiver to take over for you. However, do recognize that sometimes people just need a safe space to say something without judgment or correction. For example, older adults often express a general wish to die or an exhaustion at living. This is normal and you don’t need to change their mind. “I’m glad you told me” can be a useful response when hearing hard statements.*

*Same caveat applies as above. Active plans to harm self or others need to be reported.

Bring scripture in thoughtfully.

Scripture is an incredible resource for comfort and hope in difficult times. If you have a favorite verse or story, feel free to share it! Or ask if the person has a verse that helps them, and volunteer to read it with them. That said, don’t use scripture as a way to argue with what they are feeling, or to tell them what to do. Use scripture to support, not to bludgeon!

Offer to pray.

This is Christian care practice number one, but for whatever reason, many of us find it intimidating to pray aloud with another person. Remember that prayers don’t need to be long or fancy, and that being prayed for is a powerful gift you can offer someone. If you still don’t feel capable of praying, the next best thing is to tell them that you will pray for them specifically. “I’ll pray that God brings you comfort over the next few weeks” or “I’ll pray that the surgery is successful” is more powerful than “I’ll pray for you.”

Care for yourself.

This is a lot! Caregiving is not for the faint of heart. It takes energy and effort. So don’t forget to care for yourself even as you care for others. Schedule a few hours off, talk to a trusted friend (remember, “dump out”), eat a good meal, ask God to help you with the burden, and be gracious to yourself if you feel extra tired or disoriented. Remember that you can’t help anyone if you are burned out, and that you are worthy of the same care as everyone else in your life.

 

“As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:12-15)